The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[bec]

Hi,
So i have had a terrible fight with a close friend and I am quite sure our friendship is over. We have been friends for a number of years (we were in a relationship for about 6 months prior to this) and recently over the past 12 months we have become very close. I was the first one to get back into contact with him and ever since that day, he has been calling me on a weekly basis to catch up for coffees, lunch, the occasional drink / dinner after work. He has become my best and dearest friend over the past year. He opened up and apologised only a few months ago about how he had treated me in the past and told me how lucky he felt not to have lost me from his life for good. (He completely shut me out of his life during his last relationship due to a jealous ex - girlfriend). Anyway, i completely forgave him for how cold he had been and how much he had hurt me by cutting me out of his life while he was with her. I thought after he said this our friendship was stronger than ever. And then to my surprise, only a few weeks later he started seeing someone new and hasnt spoken to me for months. He has gone from contacting me on a weekly basis to not wanting anything to do with me literally overnight.
I feel used. I feel like i have been used as a distraction while he was having a hard time with his last break-up and that he found comfort and support in me. Now that he doesnt need that anymore, he has thrown away our friendship and thrown away the last 12 months.
We had a big talk about this yesterday and i tried to have him open up and talk with me. Instead he became cold and bitter and we have basically left things at the point where i really dont think our friendship will recover. Some pretty nasty words have been exchanged etc and it seems pretty clear that he doesnt value me enough to want to fix our relationship or try and mend the damage.
I guess i would like some re-assurance that i have been treated badly and that i dont deserve this. Perhaps some advice on how to move on and how to overcome the intense hurt and despair that i am feeling at the moment. I feel so betrayed.

[chrisjackson911]

Well, i think that he did treat you wrong. But thats forget about that. Here are some steps to forget about him and get your life back together.


Step 1:
Cry out everything you have to cry about! When we get hurt, it's normal (and good) to cry. Don't ever think you're being weak for crying and don't feel embarrassed because of it! It's normal and it's good! When you cry, you let go of part of your anger and hurt so you can feel less heavy. You can lock yourself in a room, if you want to, and put on some sad music...but let yourself feel the pain and cry so you can let it go. The main thing here is: Get rid of the pain! Just let her go!

Step 2:
Get busy! When you're trying to get someone out of your head, you need to put other things inside of it. In other words...get busy! It doesn't matter how, you just need to get distracted. Go to a movie, watch a play, travel. It doesn't matter what are you going to do--the important thing is to find something to do. Find a hobby, find something you enjoy doing, something to keep your mind busy. If your mind is busy, it doesn't have time or space to think about the person you're trying to forget.

Step 3:
Spend some time with your friends. Friends are always great to have in this kind of situation! Friends can make you feel good about yourself and get you distracted very easily. They will certainly make you laugh and make you see that you're way more important than you think! The only warning is: Ask them not to talk about the person you're trying to forget. If they start bringing the topic up in every conversation, you won't be able to forget, and instead of making you laugh, they're going to make you cry. So be honest and ask them not to talk about it!

Step 4:
Avoid the person! Try not to go to places you know you can meet that person. When you're trying to forget someone and you two keep seeing each other, it gets hard to get over it. If you meet him/her somewhere, just be nice and kind, but find an excuse to go away as fast as you can! If you work or study with him/her and you can't avoid seeing him/her, just try not to look and not to talk too much. Just be gentle and keep busy all the time so you won't have excuses to look at him/her or to chat.

Step 5:
Go out and see some different faces! Being at home gives you more time to think about it, which makes the process even more difficult. So even if you're not feeling excited or you're in a bad mood, just put on your best clothes, best shoes, best smile, call some friends and go somewhere nice where you can dance, drink, listen to some music. And the most important: See some different faces! When you go out, you notice that the person you're trying to forget is not the only one who's got a perfect smile and an amazing voice...thank god, there are other interesting people around the world, too!

Step 6:

Avoid every kind of romantic thing! If you're trying to forget someone, you'd better not watch romantic movies or listen to romantic songs...it makes you feel bad and you will certainly remember the person you're trying to get rid of. It doesn't matter if it's a song you love or if it's playing on the radio...just change the station or do something else! Put on some happy songs, dancing songs, watch some comedies, terror movies, whatever...you just need to avoid the romantic things for now!

Step 7:
Take good care of yourself. Women tend to run for some kind of self-destruction when they're hurt. If we break up our perfect relationship, then we have no reason to get our nails done anymore and the only thing that gives us comfort is chocolate and sugar. That way, the only thing we do is to become less attractive and lessen our self-confidence. So if you're hurt, just try to use your pain for yourself instead of against you. Go to the gym, work out a lot, get your nails and hair done...do whatever you can so you can feel more pretty and confident!

Step 8:
Accept the process! You can be really strong and it's still going to hurt. The process takes time and you have to accept that! You can't hope to forget in 2 days someone you loved for 2 years...and you can't pretend to be strong if you feel like crying. Just face your pain and accept that it's not easy and it's going to take some time. When you're patient with yourself and your situation, things tend to get easier...

~Goodluck~

_________________
-Chris Jackson.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't....

[Merewhiz]

I thought you should know I have something similar so I know the feeling. The hard part is letting go. There is so many more people out who will go to love you and respect you. You deserve to have someone who treats you kindly and listens. I hope you are going to be ok. I will be here if you want to talk.--Mere