The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[Lightoller]

Hello there,
I am currently undergoing some problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been in love for a long time now, and have always had our minor bumps and bruises, but recently they have gotten a lot worse.
We have been arguing a lot recently, which has caused me a lot of harm; both physical and emotional (I often get so upset by our arguements I self-harm). It used to be rare that we argued, but now it's rare if we don't. When we aren't arguing, we're having a wonderful time with one another but I have found that later on in the same day, we end up arguing. The arguements don't even have much of a point; one of us may be in a slightly foul mood one night and just end up taking it out on the other. It is often my fault, I feel, because I have a few issues at home that he often tries to pry into so he can help me and so I end up irritated at him for trying to interfere in my business. I do try not to argue qith him, and say I'll talk to him once I've calmed down, but he more often than not persuades me to keep talking to him till it evolves into an arguement. Although I don't want to argue, something pushes me to keep my pride.
This is my first serious relationship, and it's his too. He's often sweet and only wants what is best for me, so I wouldn't really turn to breaking up with him unless I knew it was serious. We love one another very much, but all of the fighting has become too much to handle- I can't stop thinking about the most recent fights for a long while after, and often lose sleep because of it. He won't talk to me in person to sort it out and only wants to communicate via instant messaging.
I know I am a handful for him, and I think he deserves better than what I give but he won't accept that.

[YankeeBob]

Hmmm.

You know there are some serious FLAGS in your share. A FLAG is a marker that SHOUTS warnings of life threatening matters.

For example, you use the term "self harm".

Usually people who self harm are experiencing some form of abuse ( mental, physical or sexual ) in their family of origin. And they sadly then harm themselves as a coping mechanism.

Self harm can take the form of cutting, using drugs, or alcohol. Compulsive masterbation, or sexual fantasy are other coping mechanisms for some people.

Since you were secretive about what form this has been we will have to let you decide when to open up and reveal it here. If you are willing.

Turning back to your relationship, love is a state ( in my opinion ) when there is openness, honesty, support, courage and problems are worked through together.

It sounds to me .....my impression from what you have shared.....that you are trying to create a wall and some parts of your life are about "love" and there is this second part which is a "NO GO ZONE".

If we reversed the situation...and your partner displayed the symptoms that you have hinted at ....and he put up a wall whenever you tried to help him or explore what was going on........how would you feel.

Secretiveness, denial and avoidance in anyone behaviour is grounds for distrust and anger.

Go look at the all the books on psychology and relationships.

Since I am a man you may prefer to discuss our problems with a woman in more detail.

smp130 is one woman you might find willing to help.

take care. be well.